Steven B. Gordon. Ph.D., ABPP | Behavior Therapy Associates, P.A.
Mary says “I want to go to school but I am anxious that I will fail.”
Jill wants to go to the gym and thinks “I am worried what others will think of my body.”
Bob wants to go call Ellen for a date but is scared she will say no.
Each of the statements has been made by people who struggle with their emotions and avoid taking action in moving their life in a direction that is meaningful. Mary desperately wants to go back to school and take courses at the local community college to prepare for career advancement. She has gone so far as to register for a class but never made it to the first class as she was frozen with fear. Jill, a mother of three children, wants to lose the weight that has accumulated over the years to regain the energy she once had so she can actively participate in her children’s lives. Jill wants to go to the local gym, get a personal trainer but thinks of all the fit people who are there and worries what they would think of her out of shape body. As a result she becomes more upset with herself and never gets to the gym. Bob finds Ellen attractive and they have had many casual conversations but he doesn’t make the next move in asking her for a date because he is afraid of being rejected.
These situations are very common and most of us have experienced something that is important to us but then something shows up and we avoid doing what we really want to do. We then fall back on the old explanations of self-denigration such as “I am weak”, “I lack self-confidence”, or even worse “What’s wrong with me?” These faulty explanations rarely lead any of us to solve the problem in an effective way. So what shows up? First, there is a desire to move toward something we care about. Mary cares about having a career, Jill cares about being a good parent, and Bob cares about having a relationship. Second, a very strong emotion such as fear, nervousness, or anxiety shows up. Along with these strong emotions there are thoughts which are a collection of words (or images) that we bring along based on our unique histories. Mary has not always experienced success in school and has had to work very hard to get to where she is. Her thoughts cluster around themes of failure and how terrible that would be. Jill has always been a self-described “people pleaser” and rarely does anything in life without thinking about the judgment of others. Bob, who is somewhat shy, remembers being afraid of rejection as far back as grade school.
So what happens when strong painful emotions show up in our lives? We try to get rid of them because we have been led to believe that’s what we are supposed to do in order to be happy. Let’s take a look at how this works. Mary. Jill and Bob strongly desire to move their lives in a certain direction and when they consider doing so the painful emotions and thought show up and they are seen as an opposition to action. This is where the “but” comes in. It is posited that the action could take place except for the fact of the fear, nervousness and anxiety. The “but” creates an opposite force and requires an elimination of the emotion or thought that follows. If I could only get rid of that thought and feeling then I could do what I want to do. The problem with this is that it just doesn’t work. An attempt to get rid of something that exists in the physical world actually does work. Getting rid of a flat tire by putting air in the tire or getting rid of dryness in my garden by watering it with my garden hose are examples of getting rid of a problem that exists in the world outside our own skin. We make the error by applying the rule of the physical world to the mental world. The mind works differently. The rule of the mind is that once we’ve got it we’ve got it and the more we try to get rid of it the more it fights for its own survival. The mind doesn’t work by subtraction but rather by addition!
So Mary, Jill and Bob would do the things they want to do but first they have to get rid of the unpleasant thoughts and feelings. They are hooked by these unpleasant mental experiences and they continue to struggle in having the type of life they want to have.
There is a way out for all of us who set up the “but” as the obstacle to overcome. Changing the “but” to “and” means the first part of the sentence and the second part of the sentence can co-exist, live side by side. There is no need to get rid (i.e., subtract) of anything. Mary can go to school and have the thought I may fail. Jill can go to the gym and have the thought that others will think she is fat. Bob can ask Ellen for a date and think she will say no. A willingness to bring these unpleasant thoughts and feelings along are facilitated by changing the “but to an “and.” In doing so you are more likely to have a meaningful life filled with vitality and purpose.
